this picture was taken about 2 years ago
I feel so lost - alone - sad - bereft...
Which is so strange if you truly know me. I have a very
large, loving family. Granted, some are a little crazy and others are walking
their own path out of the fold but still - it's my family. Family = spouse,
children, siblings, parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, in-laws, out-laws and many friends. I'm
the type of person always searching for the silver lining, the joy in everyday
things and lessons that can be learned even in failure. I'm not even lonely
when I'm alone. So why?!?! Why I am feeling this way?
The strangest part is that I didn't know I felt this way
until I was driving to work this morning. I did know that I've been out of sorts lately - & I know I've neglected my friendships -
Most of all, I've neglected myself ...
OK, I'm going to try and explain ~ TRY (those of you who
followed my old blog can smell a long post coming - but this one is for my
personal sanity - read at your own risk) Yesterday, here in east Texas, a cold
front blew in and it was downright nippy last night. Friends in Dallas , San Antonio , Shreveport and all over east Texas have said that they actually saw
flakes of the snow variety falling from the sky - stop the world! Go buy all
the water and milk - cancel school! No really - a snowflake stops traffic here
- just one beautiful, tiny flake can cause quite a stir and a cousin actually
posted a picture on FB of *gasp* snow - yes, you could still see the earth
underneath but it was misted with white stuff.
This morning - it's much colder than it has been but there
isn't a snowflake to be seen - I know - I was looking... Which is how I spotted a beautiful male
cardinal flitting around - upon looking closer, I could see many small birds in
the privet along our driveway. This made me smile as I drove past them. They
were all hopping about merrily. *insert Disney music here* (Perhaps, that merrily
part was only in my mind - they were
probably just trying to stay warm and may have even been crankily missing our
usual weather)
On the road to work - listening to the radio ~~ because I must sing my way to work -
I flip through every genre until I find a song I can belt
out loudly - I had just flipped to a Christian station and was picking up speed
on the highway - when BAM - a very small brown bird lost it's life when it
smashed into my windshield.
My heart just hurt
it caused such a strong reaction.
Living out - off the
beaten path - as I have for many years - minus the span of time in Wichita Falls - hardly a
day goes by that I do not see road kill of some sort - nothing new here folks -
move along.
But ~ It struck me so - that I took that little birds
life - immediately my mind filled with verses - ones that comfort and ones that
tell you that we do not know how long we have here on this earth. Oh, you know
all the ones I mean - even if you've never been in a bible study of any sort.
Then - I felt so lost - alone - sad - yes, bereft
Not really about the bird - that's just part of the cycle of life -
yes, I'm saddened that I was the one that ended it's little life - I've only
hit a couple birds and one raccoon in all my years driving - so it did upset me
a little bit. (Yes, I am the type of person that traps any wee creature that
happens to wander into my home and then I set it free outside - well except for
moths - they eat my yarn - moths can die - sorry)
On the radio - Your Love Never Fails by the Newsboys
came on - it filled me up ... but not with joy as it usually does. It filled me
with a desire to connect with others - others that may be going through some of
the things I am - I'm going to use this blog for that purpose (this blog was
supposed to be about painting - a hobby that I've neglected)
Do you see the theme of neglect running through here?
Many changes have happened in the last 5-7
years - most of the life jarring events
happened in the last 3. Divorce - meeting Mr. B - and marrying him less than a year ago - moving here - that
doesn't even cover the lives of our grown children and the impact that they
have in our world. Bonus: through marriage I am now a grandmother to 3 tiny
people.
*my daughter took this picture*
I don't think she expected us to walk around the bend but we love the picture
Mr. B and I are to the left of the tall pine
I look really good in this pic
don't you think?
In the whirlwind of the last three years - I haven't been doing
the things in my life that keep me sane and grounded. I am not a member of any
local groups - just haven't bothered to get hooked into anything here - No art
groups, no knitting buddies, not even a book club or bible study and I don't
have a group of women friends here to call when I need a shoulder - I just suck
it up and deal the best I can when I have a problem. I know I could reach out
to the far away friends I have but I feel guilty calling with a problem when I
haven't been keeping up with them in good times. So I just don't call anyone -
I'd probably just start crying and that is just not like ME at all.
Ah. A theme of neglect and classic mistakes...
As a newlywed I wanted to focus on growing a strong marriage
- one that won't be torn down and will not dissolve over time. That is important to me
because I know first hand that divorce is an awful thing and there are usually
no winners. In divorce not only did a marriage fall apart but any children,
family and close friends are or can be hurt in the process.
That desire to be a "good wife" to Mr. B was the
beginning of my personal neglect. Mr. B does like to spend time together but he
wouldn't have any problems with my joining local groups and seeking friendships.
He is encouraging in that respect. It started slowly - this change in me - this
need to nurture and care for my marriage isn't new but how I go about it is. It's
been said that I am turning into Mrs. Ward Cleaver as I make Mr. B his
breakfast every morning and his dinner every night - add to that many other
things I like to do for him :) Number 1 son thinks it's cute and sweet but a
bit over the top.
So yes, I've been trying to nurture and make the perfect
marriage while neglecting to keep myself strong enough to handle any trouble
that may come along. Guess what? Trouble did as it does - it came strolling in.
Little things at first and they were handled - well, maybe just brushed aside.
Then a couple larger problems arose - which I/we didn't
handle very well. These problems were smoothed over but not completely dealt
with. We didn't see it the same way and I did what I've been doing all along. I
smoothed it over the best I could while not truly getting to the root of the
problem. Two people on second marriages with very different ways of dealing
with troubles - even though we love one another - even though we can see the
beauty in our marriage and know we belong together - we have troubles just like
any couple - and we do not see the same solutions when problems arise. We complete each other - we have some really strong similarities - but WOW are we ever different in how we handle problems.
Not having my usual world - one where I have many things
that keep me sane - friends to share life and laughter with and maybe go out
and have an evening of girl talk - art groups to create with - knit night out
once a month - and so on... I've been keeping everything bottled up inside.
Now, truthfully - I wouldn't share all - make that I wouldn't share very many
problems out loud at any of these venues but I would have been nurturing myself
and keeping myself strong by having outside outlets.
In other words - I did this to myself. I let friendships
fade. I stopped doing everything I love that didn't include my husband. Falsely
thinking I was making a stronger marriage but instead only made a weaker me.
We are working on the strong marriage thing together, Mr. B
and I.
We are also working together on how to handle troubles.
Now I just need to - breathe deeply - find my way back to a
new sort of normal - so I can be strong enough to handle anything life throws
this way.
That tiny bird helped me see things in a new way.
